WARNING: ASPARTAME LINKED TO GLOBAL WARMING!!

WARNING: ASPARTAME IN DIET SODA LINKED TO GLOBAL WARMING!!
Bert Day, a retired man in south Florida died this week at the age of 107. Cause of death is still under investigation, but many prominent internet specialists are speculating that it was the four diet sodas he drank every day for the last 30 years of his life that killed him. They are also attributing his long-standing good health and positive view on life to a false sense of reality induced by aspartame intake. These self-proclaimed chemical/biological professionals are saying that if the man had continued his aspartame intake for another 15 to 20 years he would have lost both his good health and his positive view on life. In other words, he was living a lie.

Thank God Bert died before he was subjected to all the following consequences reputed by many well-read internet bloggers to aspartame intake: Depression, recession, diabetes, dementia, obesity, lack of obesity, lack of appetite, lackadaisicalness, lack of lactic acid, cramps, irritable bowel syndrome, irritability, confusion, frustration, anger, apathy, rage, road rage, roid rage, varying degrees of madness, total madness, lack of madness, Parkinson’s disease, parallel parking disorder (PPD), projectile vomiting, vertigo, dizziness, headaches, tinnitus, joint pain, back pain, spousal pain, a false sense of euphoria (i.e., happiness), no sense of euphoria, no sense, heart disease, heart failure, heartache, broken-heartedness, diphtheria, leprosy, rickets, crickets, promiscuousness, HIV, STD, STP, ED, DVD, crabs, lobsters, seahorses, nearsightedness, farsightedness, macular degeneration, muscular degeneration, aging, blindness, blind faith, pancreatitis, hepatitis, hippocampus, hippopotamus, all cancers except testicular and vehicular, mononucleosis, the common cold, the flu (both common, rare and chimney-related), gastrointestinal disorders, high gas prices, poor gas mileage, bone disease, broken bones, toothaches, earaches, Mel Gibson, etc. In other words, aspartame is responsible for every negative feeling (and some falsely-felt good ones), disease, illness, symptom or consequence ever attributed to any man, woman or child that ever lived on this planet (and some fish), up to and including, global warming.

So, put down the diet soda, folks, and pick up real-man, real sugar drinks. If possible, also ingest lots of coffee and cigarettes while simultaneously instructing others to lay off the aspartame (this increases your credibility and sense of timing).

If you construe anything in the above discourse to be false or unreasonable, your misperception is undoubtedly the direct result of aspartame intake.

If you are NOT a diet soda drinker, don’t be fooled. What do you think is happening when you talk to diet soda drinkers? THAT’S RIGHT, FOLKS:  SECOND-HAND ASPARTAME! They’re spewing that poison right back at you through the air waves, the unseen chemical gas slowly destroying your mind, your body and your soul….